Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
