youre lurking in front of me
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize