i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
