I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
