I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
