I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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