so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
