How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
