Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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