My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize