Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
