the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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