Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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