It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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