I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
