Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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