Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
