my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize