My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
