Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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