this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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