I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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