the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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