I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
