im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
