so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
