She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
