I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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