i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
