my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
