I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
