he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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