apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
