you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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