If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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