Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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