I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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