how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
