So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Randomize
