Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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