Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
