it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
