She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
