We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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