Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
