We're like a lot better than the average bears
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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