I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
