I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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