The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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