I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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