There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
