You just made me feel so damn special
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
