My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
