she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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