I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
