I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
farters have to be the big spoon...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
