Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
