I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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