i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
